A Trip with You
Vienna and River spent half the year traveling in their green Honda Civic, visiting any state they could. Vienna was sitting cross-legged in the passenger’s seat, her arm leaning on the center console, taking in the scenery as they drove through miles of barren hills in California.
“Have you been feeling alright, sweetheart?” Vienna asked.
“Why? I’m not swerving, am I? I don’t think I am,” River said.
“Well, you normally don’t stop showing up to work on such short notice. I usually have to poke you a bit to get ya to go on another trip, especially with you not liking to leave the other mechanics so easily,” Vienna said, but River smiled at her silently and rubbed her calloused hand on her shoulder. She sifted through her bag searching for fallen change as she saw a gas station ahead. There were only a few coins left at the bottom. She decided to not ask about stopping for a quick meal. Instead, she admired River’s freckled skin that reminded her of the night sky. River’s phone lit up with a new voicemail, but she hastily shut it off before Vienna could see. Vienna glanced up at River, but chose to not question it. She sat back and stared out the window at the blurred hills. The night had begun to creep in; she wasn’t sure where they were going to stay that night. River wrapped her free arm around Vienna’s waist to pull her closer. It wouldn’t be the first night they had spent on the side of the road.
“Let me drive tomorrow, dear, you’ve always taken the wheel on these trips and haven’t slept well lately,” Vienna said.
“Not a chance. I’m gonna take care of my girl for as long as I can,” she pulled the car off to the side of the road and started prepping for the night.
The new day quickly started with the wind rushing through Vienna’s choppy hair as River sped down the freeway. Vienna was leaning nearly half her body out the window, grasping tightly onto the car door as she soaked up the sun on her skin.
“Vienna, dear god, have you ever watched a horror movie? Your head is going to get cut off if you keep doing that,” River said while she smiled and yanked Vienna back inside.
“You’re no fun,” she laughed. The two continued driving through the West Coast until Vienna begged for them to stop at a small antique shop so they could “just look around.”
River led the way into the store, greeting the worker behind the deteriorating counter. The entire room smelled dusty and was stuffed full of random knick-knacks. There was practically no space for the two to walk side-by-side as they made their way towards a collection of overpriced, barely functioning clocks. Vienna picked up a small silver pocket watch and examined it. The outside was pristine and shining; it drew her towards it amidst the clutter, but the inside was nearly shattered to pieces. The delicate numbering was barely visible.
“Careful, I don’t want you to get cut,” River said, and Vienna reached down to hold her hand.
“It’s so pretty. Look, there’s a constellation on the bottom.” Vienna flipped it over to reveal a series of raised stars.
“That there is Capricornus, young lady,” the man behind the counter had appeared behind the couple, “Are you ladies lookin’ to buy?”
“Oh, no, thank you, sir. Just browsing to stretch our legs,” River said as she dropped Vienna’s hand, brushing it aside. Vienna quickly set the clock down and took a step away from her girlfriend. She felt River’s glare radiate through her.
“Well, if you two want to think on it, there’s a motel next door my buddy owns. You can always stop by tomorrow before heading off in whatever adventure you’re on,” he said, and River quickly thanked him, mentioning it won’t be necessary. Vienna felt her face flush in embarrassment. The two left shortly after and had a quiet ride down the road towards the motel. She knew River would be furious with her, but for what? The world isn’t out to get them, yet Vienna is forced to constantly act like it is.
Parked in the back of the motel’s parking lot, River glared out the windshield, barely moving or speaking.
“What’s wrong?” Vienna asked hesitantly. River ignored her.
“Seriously? You’re really going to play this game?” Vienna questioned.
“I guess I just value our safety over you. You’re right. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I do too much for us,” River responded before rolling her eyes.
“What the hell. I didn’t say that at all; I just wanted to hold your hand, and you’re acting as if I tried to fuck you in the aisle in front of the guy.”
“Real mature, Vienna.”
“As if you know what maturity is. Just go get a room already.” River immediately got out of the car and slammed the door shut. With tears stinging her eyes from frustration and the burning hot air, Vienna started grabbing their bags and waited outside the car as normal. She was left alone and waiting.
When they got up to their room, River abruptly grabbed the ice bucket and stormed outside, slamming the door on her way out. Vienna sat down at the sticky table next to the open window. She didn’t get River’s outburst. The silence, the pacing, the not speaking to tell her where their room was. She stared out the window to study the night sky. Clouds rolled by, obscuring the stars. She felt wrong for ever asking to go on another trip together. But why should she? She just wanted to hold her girlfriend’s hand, but apparently that was too risky inside an empty store; it was too risky back home, too, in River’s eyes, apparently. The country was less accepting, sure, but not everyone is automatically some sort of bigot. Vienna got up and stepped outside. The flickering porch light outside their door attracted a few buzzing moths. Vienna leaned against the railing and watched the clouds roll by. She gazed at the few constellations out that night. The moon began to peer out, casting a blue light across the land. Road trips were her favorite for that exact reason. The countryside had the clearest view of the sky; it was similar to River’s smooth skin dotted with specks of freckles that she would connect with eyeliner to draw out her favorite constellations. The peaceful quiet made her feel safe, especially being above the ground with a clear view of the empty land in front of her. Cars and rooms made her feel small and trapped, like she couldn’t ever truly breathe. But when she was above it all, outside of it all, she felt like a bird flying free. River walked back up towards their room, stopping when she saw Vienna outside.
“Nice to see you’re back,” Vienna said, not turning to face her.
“I brought you something, if you want it, of course,” River said and pushed the ice bucket towards Vienna. It was filled with nearly every candy from the downstairs vending machine and some shiny rocks from outside. River must have looked crazy getting all of it. Vienna smiled and took her partner back inside.
The two sat on the rickety old bed together and poured out the ice bucket. Vienna grabbed the pack of sour gummy worms to begin eating first. River feigned not feeling well enough to eat so much sugar and left it all to Vienna.
“So, which fake name did you give me this time to the clerk?” Vienna asked.
“Today, my wonderful ‘boyfriend,’ you were Vincent.”
“Wow, not Vinny again? You usually default to that,”
“Felt like changing it up. Besides, Vincent was one customer we had recently that didn't seem to actually mind a woman working on his car.”
“Did the clerk check outside at all?”
“Yep, but I’m guessing he only saw your short hair and didn’t say anything. Did you hear me a second ago?”
“Yes! Sorry, I wasn’t fully paying attention: Vincent, car man, not sexist,” Vienna said and puckered her lips after eating five of the sour worms at once.
“Anyways, this man comes in with his fancy-ass truck, some Rivian R1-something truck, sounds straight out of a video game and looks it, too. I had to explain to this man that my guys and I couldn’t fix what he was asking for. We barely can fix a basic car, none of this electric bullshit. I mean, I can fix up nearly anything better and faster than any man I work with, but nobody in that barely-functioning shop has any experience with these new fancy type cars,”
“Sounds expensive. Did he make a big deal out of you not being able to repair it?” Vienna asked and ripped open the next bag of gummy candy.
“Surprisingly, no. He shrugged like he had given up trying to find someone in our area to fix his car. He claimed it wasn’t keeping a charge, and it was as if new issues kept springing up over and over.”
“That’s odd. I mean, if it means so much to him, why would he just give it up?”
“ I mean sure, but at some point you have to realize there’s no fixing what’s broken. Especially not in some run-down town that barely has a post office. He would have had to go all the way back to wherever he got it from to get it repaired, but said something was keeping him in the small town that he couldn’t leave behind, and he couldn’t give up the car either.”
“Someone must have been in that town he loved, like how I love you.” Vienna shifted on the bed to kiss River on the cheek.
“I love you, too,” River said, and cupped Vienna’s face to kiss her deeper.
Early the next day, River and Vienna piled back into their car to begin on the road. Instead of continuing straight down, River went back the same way they came to the antique shop the previous night.
“Why on earth are you stopping at the antique shop again?” Vienna asked.
“It’s a secret. Stay put.” River responded, and Vienna snacked on a chocolate bar as she went back into the shop. Vienna waited a moment, then beamed at the sight of her partner walking back out with the silver pocket watch from before.
Once the pair was back to driving across the empty freeway, Vienna inspected the pocket watch. The outside was nearly in perfect condition, a few small scrapes, but nothing you could immediately notice besides the inside being smashed to pieces. The arms kept ticking, but the numbers and glass had been shattered inside.
“So why did you like that so much?” River asked
“I dunno, it reminded me of my mom,”
“Like that broken one in her bedroom she kept right across from her?”
“Yeah, I guess so,”
“Do you want to talk about what happened with her? I know she passed a year ago, but you really did take such good care of her,”
“It all feels like my fault. I wish I wasn’t the only family member left, so someone else could have made the decision.”
“She was suffering, honey. It was the right call, I promise you that, sometimes letting go is the best option people have,” River said and wrapped her arm around Vienna’s shoulder. Vienna’s chest filled with that familiar sting of grief. It settled low beneath her lungs, forcing the air out of her as she wiped any tears away from her eyes. River rubbed her shoulder and tried to change the radio to happier music as the two drove on. It did little to soothe her especially after River let go of the wheel to check her phone for a second. Vienna sighed and looked out at the view to get her mind off it. It was likely nothing, just her checking in with work or friends. Or more-than-friends friends.
“Who’s been texting you? You normally ignore work more than this when we’re on a trip,” Vienna asked, and wiped her tears away.
“Oh, it’s really nobody, just some updates on stuff going on,”
“Stuff?”
“You know, work, that’s all, baby, don’t worry, okay?” River said and smiled down on her. As the two drove on, the brown hills slowly turned into a bright orange-filled landscape that caught Vienna’s attention.
“Oh my god, there are so many poppies,” she said.
“They were your mom’s favorites, right?” River said and pulled off to the side of the road. She got out of the car before Vienna could respond, and she pushed Vienna to join her. The pair stared at the hills, the waves of poppies mimicking a rocking ocean. Vienna inhaled their familiar scent, reminiscent of the floral perfume her mother used to wear daily. It filled her lungs like an old friend as tears flooded her eyes. River pulled her close, but stayed silent.
“It’s so unfair to make that choice by myself,” Vienna said.
“I know, baby, but nobody else was allowed to make it but you,”
“She was in so much pain in the end. I remember the nurses telling me that the best option for her was to be loaded up with morphine and to be with me, but I watched her disappear. I mean, she was my mom, she took care of me, and I was left taking care of her, and I failed,”
“That’s not true at all, you know that, honey, you spent every day with her. Hell, some nights you didn’t even come home to me; you stayed with her,” River said as Vienna leaned into her. Vienna dug her nails into River’s clothes, pulling her as close as she could. She focused on the small flowers bobbing against each other in the wind, some intertwining and getting caught together. A few older poppies hung by River’s feet, drooping down and curling in on themselves slightly. Vienna gazed back up at her partner and squinted at the bright sun beaming down on them. River had curled her arms around Vienna and slowly pushed Vienna’s hair back behind her ears. Vienna buried her face into River’s shoulder, feeling as if she’d fall if she let go. The grief she kept tucked away in the back of her mind was forcibly pulled to the front. She felt as if the poppies had grabbed her legs and pulled her under the earth to suffocate her. The bright, cheerful petals contained a carcinogenic core that lulled Vienna back into the tsunami of guilt she tried so desperately to pry herself away from. In the end, it was the right decision, right? To pull the plug, to make the call, to give her mother mercy. River pulled her back from drowning in her thoughts by whispering comforting words into Vienna’s ear. She swayed back and forth. Smiling down on her partner, River kissed her and guided her back to their car to continue on their journey.
The next few days, the pair spent driving across the state through endless backroads and green-filled landscapes. Every other night they would spend on the side of the road, only stopping at motels with ridiculously cheap rates. Occasionally, they would browse some local shops, only to quickly leave when the owners struck up conversations with them. Vienna tried to bat off the bitter accusations floating in her mind. The gnawing feeling of infidelity sat in the back of her mind throughout all their conversations. At night, when she was wrapped up in River’s arms, she laid awake spiraling about if there was another woman occupying River’s time. Some nights, she would stare at the pocket watch and trace the outline of the constellation with her finger while trying to bat off the conflicting pain between her mother’s death and her possibly unfaithful partner. She felt the ridges of the engravings and bumps of gemstones. The cool metal would calm her down briefly enough to remember the times River would spend what little energy she had after work to stop by and surprise Vienna with gifts. Or the time River would sneak “souvenirs” from the car she had worked on that day. Vienna would buy special lotion for River’s hands after they would be bruised and calloused from working and make River promise to use it. The pocket watch was so beat up on the inside, but so perfect on the outside.
The two pulled into the parking lot of a dilapidated motel covered in heavy advertising for low rates and vacancy. Before River could get out to go ask for a room, Vienna pinned her hand to stop her from leaving the car. Vienna was burning inside: wanting, demanding, to know what was going on with her girlfriend. Her thoughts were eating her from the inside out, the swirling anger and grief clouded her mind as she blurted out, “Who is she?”
“What? What on earth are you talking about, honey?”
“You’ve been hiding your phone this entire time, you’re getting mad at me for being remotely affectionate in public with you. What the hell is going on?”
“I try not to be all love-y inside these small shops because I don’t want anyone making any comments towards us or worse. I want to protect you, to take care of you while I still can.”
“What do you mean ‘while you still can’? While you’re still with me? Before just dumping me for some other woman? You drop work without talking to me, you’re spending like crazy one day, then being super frugal the next. You keep checking your phone weirdly or turning it off before I can even glance at it, so who the hell is she?”
“Vienna, I quit my job, I took us on this trip with my last paycheck, I wanted to give you some happy memories.”
“What are you talking about?” Her heart started racing.
“The people that keep calling me aren’t other women; they’re doctors I saw a few weeks ago trying to get a hold of me because I have cancer, Vienna.”
“No, you don’t, no, you’re not.” Every ounce of anger left Vienna’s body, and a cloud of grief took its place. The words stung all over, like a wave crashing down on her.
“It’s all over.”
“So, we can do chemo, and I can get a job, and everything will be okay,”
“Vienna, it’s too expensive. You’d blow through all we own to try and pay for the treatments, it’s too far gone, they didn’t catch it in time,” River said. The color drained from Vienna’s face into the car floor beneath her. She wanted so badly to take it and bring back the warmth in River’s skin she fell in love with.
“No, I don’t care about money or anything like that. I care about you, I’ll make sure you make it–”
“You can’t do that, honey, nobody can, and I refuse to end my life stuck to wires and IVs in some cold hospital room. I want to spend it with you, and spend it living with you, not just trying to survive a few extra days.”
“We’ll find something.”
“No, I won’t put you in the position of having to make the same decision you made about your mom, I’m not leaving you with that guilt,” River said. Vienna covered her face and felt the tears begin to stream down her cheeks.
“Some of my shifts, the earlier ones, were doctor’s appointments. I’m so sorry for lying. I didn’t want to burden you with this while you were still getting over your mom.” Vienna couldn’t respond. River reached over the middle console to hold her. River nuzzled her head into Vienna’s shoulder. Her tears cascaded down her cheeks; her heartbeat, shallow inside her chest, ached while her stomach twisted. River tried to soothe her by holding her tightly, but Vienna’s sobbing hiccups kept pushing the two apart. She looked up to meet River’s eyes, her blue eyes surrounded by freckles, the sea of stars. River traced her thumb across Vienna’s cheeks to dry the endless tears and kissed her softly.
“I won’t leave you with a wave of guilt. I want my last moments to be loving you.”
Meadow Schmitt (she/they) is a junior at VWU who is majoring in English and minoring in
Media and Communications. They work as a Lighthouse intern, Elementary tutor, and University Tutor outside of being a Managing Co-Editor here at The Fishbowl Review. She enjoys all things art from writing to crochet as well as working alongside her amazing peers!